I went to bed at 3AM last night. By crying myself to sleep. I realized that I won’t ever see that big smile of his again. Not when I graduate, not when I get my first job, not when I get married. Even my future children won’t get to meet their wonderful Tok Pa.

I break down in tears whenever I’m alone cause all I tend to do is to hold them back in front of people, in effort to be strong for my family, for everyone else.

People tell me to ‘be strong’, what do they mean by that? Does being strong mean not letting your tears to fall down? Same goes to the saying ‘let go’, how do I let go?

It’s easier said than done, and it’s easier to soothe the ears than to soothe the pain. Sometimes I wish they would just keep quiet. I know they mean well and I appreciate their warm thoughtful intentions. But I’m sorry if I’m too weak to handle it sometimes.. Sometimes, it’s just a lot harder that I thought it would be.